From Jamie Fitzpatrick,
Your Guide to Pro Ice Hockey.

It’s hard on everyone. Your family’s patience wears thin. Your co-workers wonder why you look so bleary every morning. Concerned friends leave messages, asking if you have left town, taken ill or fallen into a deep depression.

Then there are the challenges of Stanley Cup hockey itself: the wee hours, the overtime games, the retreat from reality, the inevitable hockey fatigue.

The Stanley Cup playoffs are a hockey fan’s greatest challenge. As the TV talking heads always remind us, it takes grit and determination to survive four rounds of playoff hockey. Here are a few tips to help you persevere, so when the Stanley Cup is finally handed out in June, you can turn to your exhausted spouse, surrender the remote and proudly announce: “Remember honey, it’s all about who wants it more!”

Plan ahead

Fill the weeks before and after the Stanley Cup playoffs with plenty of parties, movies, shopping excursions, or whatever else you usually do during your “normal” life.

This helps free up the crucial months of April and May. When among friends who don’t like hockey, be very boring and unpleasant. This makes it less likely that they will invite you to some stupid cocktail party in the middle of the first round. Pace yourself

Once in a while it's okay to down a six-pack by the end of the first period and spend the commercial breaks searching under the couch for the remains of last weekend’s pizza. But if that's how it goes every night, how long are you going to last? Eat a real dinner, get some fresh air every day, get to bed in reasonable shape and be in top form for the big games.

Mark your territory

Why do you think houses have basements and rec rooms? If at all possible, claim a corner of your dwelling that includes cable television and access to a fridge. At around 6:00 every night, start prowling this area, casting hostile looks at everyone and making strange feral noises. They’ll catch on soon enough and give you a wide berth.

Be honest

There’s no point thinking up elaborate excuses. Simply tell everyone that you are incommunicado for the next six weeks or so and tell them why. Friends who don’t care about hockey won’t understand, but if you are candid with them they might leave you alone:

“An alien spaceship, you say? Landed in the middle of downtown? And they come bearing the secrets to eternal youth and happiness? Well, yes, I’d love to go have a look, but the Stars and Oilers are on tonight. Another time, perhaps.”

Also, if anyone takes you to task, don’t bother to defend yourself: “You’re right. I’m pathetic and have no life. So it's just as well that I'm not available for your boring, pretentious dinner parties until the playoffs are over.”

Take a break

Some might deem it sacrilege, but consider: It’s Sunday afternoon, the Devils are one game away from sweeping the dismal Bruins, the previous game between them was so one-sided you nodded off during the second period. Sounds like a perfect occasion for a walk in the park. You’ll be back in plenty of time if they happen to go into overtime.

Delay all major decisions

Hockey fans get a little distracted at Stanley Cup time. We might be physically present at the office or dinner table. But our minds are far, far away, mulling over injury reports and game plans, marking time until another evening of puck-chasing gets underway.

In a hockey fan’s household, a springtime conversation could easily go something like this:

Spouse: “I’m selling the children, cleaning out the bank account and flying to Albania for a sex change operation.”

Fan (mesmerized by television): “Okay dear. Have a nice time.”

Lesson: Don’t agree to anything when the TV is on, and don’t make any major decision within eight hours of an important game.